Life has hit us hard lately.
I wasn’t ready to talk about it. I’m still not sure I am really ready. Sometimes, there is something very comforting about holding your own pain close, not sharing. But I have the privilege of living in community and that requires being open, honest, and vulnerable.
But I’m ready to get back to blogging and I don’t feel like I can move forward without looking back.
At the end of March we found out we were expecting baby #4. Ronnie and I were so excited and overwhelmed at the same moment. We couldn’t wait to welcome another life into our family, to have another sweet baby to squish and love.
We immediately started looking at real estate to move since our quaint 2 bed/1 bath had already started to feel tight, adding another little person was going to make us burst.
My birthday is the beginning of April so we waited until my birthday dinners to surprise both sides of the family. Zoie & Pennie were ecstatic to find out they were having another baby and already praying for a sister.
We couldn’t wait to see the doctor and get an official due date (other than the app on my phone).
It was the end of April and a busy day for Ronnie and this being baby #4, I decided to do the first appointment alone.
Everything was okay at the beginning. Then it wasn’t. I have seen and experienced enough ultrasounds at this point to feel when something is wrong. My stomach sunk, I was fighting tears, the lump in my throat made it impossible to breathe. There wasn’t a heartbeat, and the baby was impossibly small for how far along I was. I asked the doctor to check again, then one more time. I asked for blood tests to make sure and she assured me she was 100% positive the baby wasn’t viable.
There are plenty of things to be grateful in my life. More than I can list, but in the moment I was empty. The baby I longed for wasn’t going to join our family. I was terribly sad and scared of the process ahead of me. My doctor rubbed my back and assured me we can try again in the future. I am grateful for that, but not what I was concerned with at the moment. I was grieving THIS life. My baby who I will not get to hold.
By an act of the Lord, I was able to drive home and had to break the news to Ronnie. There is something so heartbreaking about watching your husband cry over one of your children. Like experiencing the pain all over again. We cried together and called our family and best friends.
It was a phone call that no one should have to make, but I’m glad we did. I’m glad we told others we were expecting. They walked us through this, they cried on the phone with us, they even got angry with us when we needed it the most.
We waited 3 weeks after the horrible ultrasound for the miscarriage to actually happen. It was a sorrowful time of grieving and waiting to grieve.
It has all passed now. We are picking up the pieces and moving on, but not forgetting. For the first time ever we both had a strong feeling the baby was a boy (we always wait to find out the gender until the baby is born & we have never had strong inclination). We decided to roll with it and name our baby.
Urijah Weston Robison is our son that we never got to hold. Named after two men that left the earth too soon, but passionately loved our Lord.
God has healed our family, we are so blessed.
Blessings from our family to yours,